When life hates you.

You know the feeling you get? The overwhelming fatigue, the type of fatigue that takes over your whole being? I have been feeling that lately. I do not have an ounce of motivation, and I cannot possibly keep going in that direction, but there’s nothing I can do about it. Like the adult I am supposed to be, I suck it up and deal with it. I wake up every day, and brick is on my back, and each day, it feels heavier and heavier. I do not want to go to class, let alone go out with friends. I want to sleep.

Is my childhood trauma finally taking its toll on me? It wouldn’t come as a surprise. I am fucked up in the head, and there’s no hiding from that. Most of my recent decisions stem from all I’ve been through during my childhood. It might be my thing, but my developing years were inexistent. I always felt that I had to mature way faster because of my circumstances. That feeling is now a certainty. I now realize that I never truly enjoyed life.

When I was young, and even now, whenever I felt a little bit happy, my parents would fight over trivial stuff, and I would live in constant fear. Fear is strange. It feels like a heavy rock in my throat and a weight on my head, so cumbersome that it prevents me from taking any steps forward or backward. Fear has caused many issues in my day-to-day life, consumed my whole being. Let’s be honest; fear did prevent a lot of us from pursuing our dreams. I fear a lot of things. Way too many things. Let’s create a list: not being beautiful enough, thin enough, intelligent enough, attractive enough…enough.

Yes, I fear not being enough for people and, at the end of the day myself. Some of those fear stems from the fact that those fears were my reality at a very young age. I was not enough, and people reminded me of that every day. It was a constant casual conversation, and everyone was quick to remind me that I would never be enough. Another fear was born then, the fear of being too much. But how can I have such opposing fears? Well, my childhood yet again. I was told I was too much. Over and over again.

And here I was, confused as I could ever be. I am still confused; to be honest, I am still trying to see a middle ground for my numerous fears.

Here I go again, rambling away… life does hate some people